Do I have alzheimers?

 This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a couple of weeks now.  Sure I am forgetting the names of things but eventually I get it right, however, this past weekend I bought two donuts.  Nothing major in that.  I put them away and went out again.  When I came home I asked my daughter if she enjoyed one of the donuts.  She looked at me strangely and told me she hadn’t eaten it.  She’s on a health kick so I obviously believed her, however, that meant the only other person to eat it was myself and for the life of me I don’t remember eating it.

This is the first time something major like this has happened to me and I’m afraid I’m going mad or losing my mind.

My mother died within in the last year with dementia and I’m starting to see similarities between us which is funny considering I have been told all my life that I’m more like my father.

My only saving grace is that my mother retired and basically shut down because she didn’t have any hobbies of any kind and didn’t really want to do anything.  Me on the other hand, love being alone and can always find things to do and rarely sit still staring at the walls.  This does not mean I’ll be like her and maybe it’s just age that’s hitting me.  I’m 64 but don’t look or feel like it.  I have a full time job and plan on continuing for as long as I can.

This page is just for me and what I am thinking and feeling at this time.  Hopefully it’s a very slow progression but more importantly I do NOT want to lose myself and definitely don’t want to be a burden on my family.  That would be the worst thing to happen to me.

So UNIVERSE?  Fuck off and leave me alone to enjoy the rest of my life without the worry of losing myself.

THE LAW OF ATTRACTION AND ME

I wrote this in 2019 and the same is true today.  Yes I'm older, not sure about wiser but I know more about myself and I am more comfortable in my own skin... still got a ways to go.

"As an advocate for the LAW OF ATTRACTION and THE SECRET for many many years I am finally coming to the conclusion that I am "TRYING TOO HARD".  I say my affirmations daily, every minute of every day is all about thinking about the LAW and what I can do to better myself but in actual fact, it's giving me a headache.

How can I be a better person, to try and improve myself when I'm totally exhausted thinking about trying too hard?  None of it makes any sense at all.  

Here I am at 64 - divorced (and loving it - being alone for me is never lonely, just the way I like it.  I have two wonderful kids, and now two beautiful grandchildren, I have a home & no longer a mortgage, I have a job that affords me the best of everything and I get paid well.  I need to STOP and just realise that I don't have to keep trying so hard.  To stop overthinking everything and just enjoy the ride.

SOMETHING WONDERFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME TODAY.... this is what I tell myself every morning but, in fact, the expectation is way too big and I wait for it to the point of being upset when it doesn't happen.  I have to let go of the expectations and just realise that it is a wonderful day.  I am enjoying myself and that I am blessed.

I put so much pressure on myself that I forget to just "stop and smell the roses".  In fact, I think on the way home tonight I might just buy myself some roses.  Just to appreciate the little things."

Since I wrote this .. I lost both my parents, a blow but they are now in a better place.  My job, while still paying well didn't offer me a payrise, instead they offered a 9 day fortnight and as I work in the construction industry as an admin where they get a 9 day fortnight I am not complaining in the least.  I wake every morning asking "I'D LIKE TO SEE A MIRACLE TODAY" and most mornings I'm offered a beautiful sunrise (yes that is a miracle). I'm healthy and I have nothing to complain about.  Life is good. What more can a woman ask for? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - Thanks to the Universe.